Text Messages

My friend sent me this joke today, and I can't help but post it here...

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. "

Is everybody clear on that?

Can You Hear Me Now?

The rapture was suppose to happen at 6pm today. As if on cue, the tornado sirens went off just after 6pm here. Bad storms with hail and tornados in the area. I’ll admit… I did take pause for a second. It’s 3 hours later and I’m here to say that my world didn’t end. I do have a little post rapture gas though from all the crap I ate today, signifying all is back to normal. Hope this finds you well too.

Window (and door) To My Soul

I'm getting my new patio door today. Also getting the window next to it replaced. I gave the salesman all my money 8 weeks ago. The installers (outsourced by the window people) called to cancel last week's install date because of rain, and oh, by the way, they couldn't match the interior stain very well. Great. An hour later the window salesman calls and first words out of his mouth were, "I understand you're having a problem with your window." I politely told him the problem I'm having with my window is that I haven't seen it yet. He explained that the installers called him from an installation to say the window was broken. I informed him the installers were not at my house, nor scheduled to be, and that he had the wrong customer. No, he spoke to my installer and he's sure it's my window that is broken and what did I want him to do about MY problem. Well, I lost it right then and there. It was not pretty. Bottom line, the installers are here now installing my new patio door and window. The window works and the stain is gorgeously matched. Amazing how that happened. Why do I have to go into bitch mode to get it done right? Seriously makes me crazy.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

“Sorry about all the smoke and noise coming from my house today.” That’s how my email began…

The HVAC company came out to do spring tune up on the air conditioner. When I saw the smoke I went outside to see if I needed the fire department. He explained the best way to get the grass and leaves out of the unit is to burn it out. Apparently they do this every year, but the winds were strong today, thus carrying the smell and smoke for my neighbors to enjoy too.

When he finished, he was putting on his shoes to leave and leaned his hand against the wall for balance. He accidently pushed the ARM button on the security system by the back door. The high pitched, very loud alarm sounded as he walked out. I pressed the DISARM button, but it wanted me to enter a code I've never known. I called the alarm company and was told that because I didn't have service with them that they wouldn't help me. Perhaps the decibel level in the background was such that she felt sorry for me because she finally said to look for the wall plug that the unit was plugged into and unplug it, and if I needed more help I could go to their website and sign up for service. They are, after all, running a special now. Ugh! We searched for an electrical outlet with something plugged in it and couldn't find one.

I went next door, hoping they have the same unit as I do. The alarm was still blaring. My neighbor showed me their box in the garage and how to disengage it. Grateful, the HVAC guy and I went on a scavenger hunt all over my house and attic but to no avail. He left and I called the local locksmith and begged them to come. The alarm finally shut off and as long as I didn't open any doors or windows the alarm wouldn't go off again, but the unit chirped annoyingly six times every three minutes, as I'm sure all of my neighbors can attest to. I met the locksmith in the driveway and asked if he brought a shot gun. He was gonna have to use it on me if he couldn't get the unit to be quiet. When he took the case off the unit the hideous alarm went off again. He worked quickly with the tools he brought and when the quiet came, it was joyous! Apparently my unit is self-contained in the wall unit. I'd have taken a sledge hammer to the wall sooner had I known that! Anyway, I asked what I owed him and he said nothing. Word of mouth was more important to him and he left me some business cards to let my friends and neighbors know that in addition to being locksmiths, they do security system monitoring now too. I immediately emailed an apology to my neighbors with my high praise and recommendation for the locksmith company to do alarm system monitoring.

I have adequately paid it forward. Quiet and order is restored to the neighborhood once again. I should rephrase that to say that quiet and order is restored to the neighborhood once again, for now.

Happy Spring!

What a Difference An Hour Makes

There's snow on the ground - again. I'm pretty sure the skies are crying over that lost hour from daylight savings time yesterday. Sigh.

Goodwill Hunting

I belong to a group on Facebook that is doing an event called Goodwill Hunting. The rules: Go to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or any other thrift store (no consignment shops allowed) and spend no more than $25 on an outfit. It costs $2 to enter, and $2 to vote. We had 2 weeks to shop. I drug my friend June out, er, I mean, June graciously volunteered to go shopping with me, which was a godsend as you know how I hate to shop - I implode. We had 2 days to post only one picture. The group will vote in the next 2 days. Winner announced after voting closed. Here's my entry:

Post: Black jeans - $6.75; Olive green 3/4 sleeve top - $3.95; wrinkle-free, no iron - priceless!


You must know that I also found a really cute Halloween costume and a snow shovel. I took a pic of them, but didn't enter these. If I had the caption would have read something like:
Halloween costume - $4.95; snow shovel - $2.00; finding a snow shovel before the biggest storm of the year - priceless!

They've Got Game

Texas came to Kansas for a little game of basketball. Kansas lost. There wasn’t a lot of smack talk before the game and most of the post game chatter agrees with the score. Even Glen took it easy on me with the trash talk… With 15 minutes left in the game and Texas the clear and obvious winner I got a text that read, “Uh Oh”. Clear. Concise. True. Granted, they broke the nation’s longest home winning streak and knocked Kansas out of the No. 2 spot, but what’s a Kansas fan to do? Clearly Texas played better and deserved the win. One post game comment sums it up perfectly, “Fact is, their kids running around in their high-tech underwear threw the ball through the hoop more times than our kids running around in their high tech underwear.” So I’m wearing my Texas sweatshirt today in honor of their win. Woot!

Christmas Cows

I went to church last night. After last year's blizzard cancelled all the Christmas Eve and Christmas services, I was determined to attend services this year. I went to the family service. The kids usually put on a play, we always sing my favorite carols, then end with the candle lighting.

The kids acted out the Christmas Story. Audience participation was involved. Whenever they read the story and said certain words, we had to reply in unison. When he talked about the cows we had to go "Mooooo" and when he talked about the sheep we had to go "Baaaaah" and when he talked about the angels we had to go "Glory to God in the Highest". Anyway, there were giant screens telling us what to say when it was time so no rehearsal was required on our part. The kids all had on costumes and were glad to be dressed up.

The pastor asked Joseph and Mary (who was carrying baby Jesus) to come up to the stage and he read the beginning of the Christmas story. We moo'd and bah'd and praised God in the audience on cue. The pastor went on with the coming to the manger part of the story and asked that while we sang "O Little Town of Bethlehem" that the sheep come up on stage. Three little girls dressed in sheep costumes came up to the stage while we Bah'd and sang. He continued the story and asked for the cows to come up on stage as we sang "Away In a Manger". None of the kids went up to the stage. The pastor told us to imagine there were cows, then asked us to sing "The First Noel" while the shepherds come up to the stage. Three little boys went up and pulled on their fake beards and head gear - clearly uncomfortable. The story went on and we were asked to sing "Angels We Have Heard on High" as the angels came up on stage. There were twenty-four angels all dressed in white with silver garland wings and head gear on. We laughed as they proudly showed off their costumes on stage. The three wise men came up as we sang, "We Three Kings" and the star ended the story as we sang "O Come, All Ye Faithful". The pastor said the kids looked like they were having fun and the audience could dress up next year and participate too. We'd have to start two hours earlier to get everyone in costume, but we might even find someone who wouldn't mind being a cow. The message was that even if we weren't wearing a costume, we are all part of the Christmas Story. "Moo, Bah, and Glory to God in the Highest"!

Merry Christmas!

Saving the World by 8 am

Swapping watermelon and sand castles for protractors and thesauruses: It was the first day of school for the nephews yesterday. Cheryl took an awesome picture of the boys. Somehow she got them to stand next to each other and even smile. I’m guessing she told them the fly on their pants was open or resorted to some other form of bathroom humor. Getting everyone up and out the door deserves massive kudos. Parents must act as alarm clocks, get breakfast, make lunches, get clothes ready to go, pack backpacks or slings, and act as alarm clocks again – basically save the world by 8 am. And they repeat this process every day, all school year long.
I still remember some of the feelings of the first day of school - the smell of chalk, new shoes, lunch boxes and new bottles of glue; the nervousness at who will be in my home room class; wishing I didn’t get the mean old math teacher; and the exhilaration of swapping summer adventures with friends I hadn’t seen in months.
Hoping it’s the best school year yet!

All Quiet on the Midwestern Front

While in Stillwater a couple of weeks ago, we went down to Sue’s neighbor’s because they had their miniature horses out in the yard. They let us go in and pet them. The picture shows me, Dillon, Tyler, and Cheryl petting one wisp of a pony.
Also while in Stillwater, Dillon and I went into a bookstore in search of the All Quiet on the Western Front book because he has to read it for school. Dillon went to the Classics aisle to find it, but couldn’t remember the author. I found someone to help us. She looked it up and couldn’t find it in the system. She walked over to Classics and started reading each and every title. Dillon and I just rolled our eyes. She went back to the computer. This time Dillon and I watched her type All Quite on the Western Front. Lots of CD titles came up, but no books. I told her to try spelling “quiet” instead of “quite” and spelled it for her. Dyslexia set in and after the fourth time of trying to get her to spell it correctly I finally convinced her to press enter after typing “all quiet”. Whadya know. It came right up. It only took twenty minutes to run this three minute errand, so we had a good laugh.
I bring it up now because that title comes to mind now that Tyler has gone home. It’s mighty quiet here and I miss having one or both of the nephews around. They’re fun and don’t mind if their aunt hangs out with them. Soon the routine of school, homework, and sports will take over their energies; but I’m glad to have been able to spend some time with them as the summer winds down.

Talladega Day

Note: Tyler is my special guest blogger today! He helped write the following entry. Thanks Ty!

Tyler kept telling me he “wants to go fast” (from the movie Talladega Nights) so we found an indoor go cart track to play on today. This track was fast. He hit the wall a couple of times and spun out a couple of other times. Once he hit the wall and thought the go cart was going to flip. Another quote from the movie came to mind, “I’m flying through the air… This is not good!” He recovered nicely, but even after his ride was over, he was a bit shaky.
We also hit Dave and Busters. One game was Wheel of Fortune. A giant wheel rotates and when you press the stop button the wheel stops on ticket values. Most of the values are 3 inches wide with 10 or 20 tickets as the prize, except there is one 1000 space about an inch wide on the wheel, so you try to land on that one. Tyler stepped up and the first spin hit one to the right of the 1000 ticket space. He went again and it stopped one to the left of the 1000 ticket space. The third time he hit the 1000 ticket space! It was so exciting. The machine actually counts out 1000 tickets, one at a time. One, two, three, four, five, etc.
I played Deal or No Deal. You pick one suitcase from 16 suitcases with values ranging from 2 to 300 tickets. You want to pick the 300 ticket suitcase to win. Deals are made in the process of opening the suitcases you didn’t pick, trying to convince you to settle for less tickets, but I was feeling lucky and said, “no deal” throughout. I picked the 300 ticket suitcase and won!
By now Tyler wasn’t so shaky anymore and offered to drive us both home. Right, like that’s gonna happen. Better stick to the track instead of the highway!

The Other Boy

Tyler flew up from Austin to visit me this week. His flight was delayed, which turned out to be a good thing. Construction on the turnpike was down to one open lane, but then a truck caught fire which closed the turnpike for over an hour. I was pretty sure Tyler would welcome the chance to run loose on the streets of Kansas City, causing mayhem and chaos in his wake. But when he did call me, he was still sitting on the ground in Dallas. Weather had cleared there, but the backup of planes trying to take off was causing delays. Whew! I met his plane with plenty of time to spare, thus beginning the fun and joviality.
We went to Schlitterbaun Waterpark. This is the third Schlitterbaun Tyler has been to. I’m told this one isn’t as big as the one by his house, but bigger than the one he visited last week. He likes all the rides and slides. The lazy rivers are all different. One is a real river with rocks and trees; one is a concrete walking path with a current pushing you along; and the one we went to yesterday had two lazy rivers. They were both the concrete path type with a current, but one of them also had giant waves every 15 seconds that added a bit of nausea to your floating experience, especially if you just ate.
We ended our day at Tyler’s pick, Olive Garden. We got our fill of salad and bread sticks, so we brought home the pizza to reheat for breakfast. I asked the waitress to take our picture with my camera phone, but I can’t find it. There is no proof that the boy got here, or that I’m feeding him. Perhaps when he gets home the proof will have to be his sunburn and dirty laundry.

My Brother's Keeper (And Their Aunt's Too!)

While in OK, the nephews and I swam. They wanted to wrestle in the pool. I told them the rule was they couldn’t hold the other underwater because they would die. After watching for a bit I gave them one more rule: no hitting in the face or anywhere else that Cheryl could see a bruise because they weren’t wearing head gear. They agreed to the rules and wrestled. They were really wrestling, not just hitting whatever they could reach. They both had great moves and were very good. I think I had more fun watching them than they had playing in the water.
We all returned to our respective homes today. When unloading the car, I discovered something one of my nephews left in my car and texted Cheryl to tell her I’d send it on. Shortly thereafter Cheryl texted me. She found something I left in her car. Seems I need a keeper too, but I'm in good company!

Celebrations

Today is my brothers’ birthday! Yep, you read that correctly – brothers’, not brother’s. My brothers were born four years apart on the same day. And with my twin sister, mom always boasted that 4 kids and 2 birthdays was her version of Planned Parenthood.
Anyway, Glen is working today, but the rest of his family and I are visiting my sister in Oklahoma. Tyler was at wrestling camp at OSU all week. Cheryl and Dillon came up a couple of days early to pick him up, and I came down to crash the party. We saw Tyler wrestle, we swam, we played cards, we played glow in the dark miniature golf, and ate lots of pizza. We even saw some miniature horses at Sue’s neighbor’s. I don’t know how Glen celebrated his birthday today, but the rest of his family had a wicked fun day!

Red, White, Blue, and Rainy

The annual bike race was this weekend. All ages and all bikes were there. The kids bike races were fun to watch. All the bikes were decorated with stars and stripes in red, white, and blue. No one puts playing cards on their spokes with clothespins the way we did when I was a kid. Instead, more attention to what they are wearing is given. One kid dressed up as Elvis – sideburns and white silk jumpsuit. Most had the statue of liberty hats on. All had flags. Some parents ran alongside their kid during the race. The three year old winner of the 50 meter race just smiled and nodded to the crowd from his Big Wheel. Minutes later, the five year old winner of his age group’s race was asked his secret to the win – intense training, a good breakfast, family support? “My bike is just fast” was all he said.
It’s pouring down rain now so most everyone has gotten out of the rain and is watching the fireworks display on the local TV station from the dryness of their sofas. But if we were still downtown, we would be eating barbecued meats with all the usual side dishes, singing The Star Spangled Banner:
Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light…
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave…
PLAY BALL!

It Takes A Village

I was waiting in line for the only bathroom in the place. There was a little girl in front of me, probably about 10 years old. She went in and I waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally she came out. What I saw was most confusing. She had pulled out a long rope of paper towels, leaving one end attached to the dispenser, and had tied the other end in a knot through the toilet paper dispenser, blocking the toilet. It was odd. She knew I was waiting. She knew I would know who did it. And yet she made this weird art project or whatever it was.
I walked out, went over to where she was standing alone, leaned over and asked quietly why she did that. Her mom came over and asked what the problem was. I laughed and told her she needed to see this and took her to see what her precious angel had done. When asked why, her daughter replied she was playing CSI and planned on coming back to the scene of the crime with her camera phone to take pictures, and if there was time, she’d collect samples to analyze with her new CSI Crime Scene analysis kit she got from her grandma for her birthday.
Fearing she’d fingerprint me and run wants and warrants on me, I left.

Let Them Eat Cake, Let Them Eat More Cake

Happy Birthday to us! Everyone knows that calories consumed on your birthday don't count. I don't know what kind of cake Sue will be eating, but I've got chocolate cheesecake in the fridge and it won't last long! I'm gonna complete this protein by having tons of buttered popcorn at the theater while watching the movie. Then I'll come home and have more cheesecake!

Welcome to the Big 3 Conference

KU, K-State, Iowa State. Football playoffs will be at the local park. Get your tickets now. Seating capacity = 45.
Colorado is the first to leave the Big 12 for the PAC-10 conference. I imagine Nebraska will announce tomorrow or the day after. If that's all that leaves, then those two teams will be replaced. But I fear it's going to be a domino effect. Texas and OSU will follow no doubt, as well as the rest of the South.
Kansas shouldn't have any trouble shopping a new conference, if it comes to that, with a BCS bowl and national championship within the last three years; but still, it's a nervous time right now.

Driving Me Crazy

My driver’s license expires next week. I was going to wait until after my hair appointment next week to get it renewed, but today’s little errand changed that plan. I went to the bank to cash a check. They know me there. Maybe a little too well though, because when asked for ID and handing my license over, the teller reminded me that it is expiring this year, and that I should be glad to be getting rid of THAT picture. Bitch. I left there and headed straight to the DMV. There were no less than 20 people in line – mostly teenagers getting their first license. Some were over taking written tests and some were waiting in line for their driving tests, but all had nervous parents pacing behind them. Thankfully none of these people were turned away for failing their tests so the line moved fairly quickly and the crying temper tantrums were kept to a minimum. An employee came up from the back room to help with the lines and I was his first victim. He talked so fast and he’d tell me to do something but wouldn’t let me finish my answer before moving to the next question. It was odd. The renewal notice that came in the mail said to take in that notice, the completed written test, social security card, and proof of residency, and that I’d be asked to surrender my current license. I handed the guy my renewal notice and he had me read the eye chart. After I called out five of the twelve letters he herded me over to the picture. That was it. No other tests (and I studied too!), no opportunity to lie about my weight again, no surrendering my soon to be expired license. Guess he thought no one would want to use my old ID with THAT old picture on it.

This Just In

I’d like to think the things that come out of my mouth are the most important things to be heard at any given time. For weeks now I’ve laughed out loud every time I see the Motorola commercials.

“This just in via text and wall post, the search is on for cute boots.”
“Today’s top Facebook story, a local woman is totally psyched for flip flop weather. Twitter confirms.”
“Tonight’s top Twitter story, a man can’t decide on which sandwich to order for lunch.”
“A late breaking mass e-mail, a local woman’s cat is wearing rain boots. Facebook confirms story.”

I’m on Facebook. I just don’t get how it works though. There have been so many changes to this site that I cannot keep up. I cannot find any of my friends anymore. I don’t know the difference between news feeds or wall posts. I’m confused on the security settings too. Sometimes there are inside jokes only the family would laugh at, but my friends think I’ve lost my mind because they don’t know the back story. It’s overwhelming to me so I don’t post so much – unless it is to inform my friends that it rained so I didn’t have to wash my car today or equally important news.