Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!

I’m not into any of the holiday football bowl games. I’m waiting for the January 7th Texas game to get excited again. Until then, I wonder…
Who would win a football game between drumming drummers and piping pipers? What about swimming swans and laying geese? Calling birds and French hens? I’d get me some wassail and figgy pudding and watch that.
We’ll have a white Christmas with about 5 inches of snow by the morning. Great weather to curl up with a good book and have a fire in the fireplace. Almost all the Christmas Eve services and activities have been cancelled already. I sure hope Santa doesn’t cancel his rounds. I’m putting out the milk, gingerbread men, and reindeer treats just in case; but don’t expect me to save any chocolate chip cookies for the big guy as I’ll be eating those after I shovel the walk.

Last Minute Christmas Chaos

Who waits until the last minute to START their Christmas shopping? Certainly no one I know, but if I did know someone like that, I offer some great advice:
First, give up the idea of finding the perfect present for anyone. Of course, if you’ve waited until Christmas Eve to start shopping then you probably already have. Tell yourself it’s the thought that counts and repeat until you believe it. Then try one of the following quiet, peaceful places guaranteed to avoid the other crazed shoppers.
Hardware store – For women get the framed artwork, poinsettia or silk tree, the tabletop fountain, or power tools. For men, get lots of shiny gadgets that light up and make noises.
Movies – give the gift of a good time in movie passes.
Pet Supply Store – dog squeaker toys or cat themed cards that could be framed for the wall.
Hair salon – haircut or manicure gift certificate.
Gas Station – for the really desperate – they sell sunglasses, wireless accessories, lottery tickets, or candy.
Video store – for the desperately desperate – they stay open late and sell movies and games.
If you cannot get out due to weather or you suffer from severe procrastination, you can always use your computer to generate gift certificates for anything and deliver by e-mail.
Finally, just buy the kids a set of batteries and attach a note saying, “Toys Not Included”.
Then you can loudly proclaim that you are finally ready for Christmas with an hour to spare!

Don't Mess with a Wrestler's Aunt

My nephew wrestles better than your nephew.
It’s a new sport to me, but I’m learning quickly as Tyler does better and better. Basically, you try to get both of the opponent’s shoulders on the mat at the same time for two seconds. I get that. It’s all the stuff that happens trying to get that done that I’m not real clear on.
Each wrestler wears the same outfit – a singlet, shoes, and a helmet to keep the brain guts intact. They have to play both offense and defense and be good at both. It’s not like football where you’ve got six deep in each position either offense or defense. The scoring depends on falls, escapes, reversals, and other positions you must be good at; and somehow the wrestlers know if they are suppose to be getting into or out of these positions. I just look for my nephew to pin the guy. He’s quite good at it. And even though there are lots of weight classes, he has to wrestle man-child folks who weigh 50 or more pounds more than him. Finally, each wrestler must bring a cloth to the match to wipe any sweat and blood from the mat after the match. Ick.
You can get up now. The match is over. And I can open my eyes again.

Snow!

I live down the street from a school. When there is snow or sleet, the streets by me are plowed and sanded first so the buses can get the kiddos to school on time. It was wicked cold today – between 0 and 7 degrees all day. I was out shoveling the sidewalk when school let out and some kids walking home commented on all the fresh, white snow in my yard. They asked if they could build a snowman and I said sure. As they ran all over the yard getting mounds of snow together, I stole what I could and began making a snow cave. Then I hid inside and peeked out long enough to throw the first snowball in our massive, mondo snowball fight! Other kids joined in, mostly ganging up on me, but my little cave gave me adequate shelter from the bumps and bruises the other kids no doubt now have. They never did finish the snowman, and I never did finish the sidewalk. Instead, I opted for a soak in the tub and hot chocolate. The kids said they were telling their friends to come over and do it again tomorrow. The sun is coming out tomorrow and the warmer temperatures will probably melt most of the snow by the time school gets out, but I’m stocking up on hot cocoa and cookies anyway. And Ben Gay ointment.

Looking Good

I’m still recovering well from surgery. Glen drove up to look at me. We went to the KU men’s basketball game. KU put up 36 unanswered points, 1 short of the NCAA record for most consecutive points in a game. The final score reflected a 67 point victory, which was the third largest margin of victory in KU history, and the 31 points the opponent did score were the fewest allowed by a KU team in Allen Fieldhouse. Granted, their opponent was ranked 347 out of 347, but KU still played like the champions they are. We went to dinner after the game and watched Duke lose by one point. Great night of basketball, burgers, and brother’s visit!

The Day After

Twas the day after Thanksgiving
And all through the mall
Lunatics were stirring;
A real free for all.
The decorations were hung
Throughout the mall with care
Been up since before Halloween
Alongside the pumpkins, turkeys, and the Hanukkah bear.

Hey, it rhymes. Kinda like the Hanukkah armadillo from Friends.
Bad poetry aside, I was out there with them. Everywhere I went people were well behaved and friendly. Except we made fun of the folks wearing matching holiday shirts and Santa hats. That’s just wrong. Those folks are serious shoppers and I kept my distance from them. They had pre-coordinated their movements like a dance troupe – one grabbed the cart, two ran ahead and grabbed boxes of electronics, holding them up for scrutiny by the head elf in the group who decided if it made it into the cart or back on the shelf, and one held a place in the check-out line. I imagine they had been camping outside for at least a day and a half. I wasn’t as organized and came home after my big purchases of delicate wash things for myself and a corn dog. You just don’t get these kinds of encounters with on-line shopping.

Holiday Cheer

I love holiday movies. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen them. Year after year I love to watch them all. I started watching them yesterday and am so happy to have them while I’m being a slug on the couch. But that means my sister has to watch them too. She’s ready to poke her eye out. Or so she says. But then she grabs the remote and rewinds the movie to see the parts she may have missed if she gets a phone call or leaves the room to fetch me something. She can go on with her bah-humbug self. I know just the thing to cheer her up – more holiday movies! The next time she leaves the room I’m grabbing the remote and will set all the movies to record on the DVR so we have an endless supply! Ho Ho Ho!

For the Boys

I was sent home from surgery with 4 drains. These are plastic bulbs at the end of a long tube. One end of the tube is deep inside my body and the other end of the tube has the bulb attached and the bodily fluids (mostly blood and tissue) collect in the bulb. Another thing Caregiver Sue must do is empty and measure each bulb and record it’s output and color. My nephews would be fascinated with this stuff. Right up their alley alongside poops, farts, and snot. Sue and I have become quite well versed on the red family – red, fire engine red, cranberry, burgundy, coral red, crimson, chestnut, scarlet, and sangria. Today we have moved into the pinks, oranges, and clears: dark pink, amaranth, cardinal, fuchsia, magenta, maroon, mauve, rose, violet, terra cotta, and vermilion. The content of the bulbs gets more gunked up as the days pass too. Eventually I get all the drains removed. Then it’s back to talking about poops, farts, and snot with the nephews.

Sharing the Loopy

I think my sister has been sampling my prescribed narcotics. She’s making me a protein shake now and laughing hysterically to herself. She said, "get out the whey” then went into gangster rap about “Git out da way!” She’s cracking herself up. Then as she is moving around the kitchen, trying to find stuff she laughed that wicked witch laugh and said, “oh it’s pay-back time”. Apparently I emptied her dishwasher once when I was there and she couldn’t find dishes for weeks. She’s threatening to rearrange and hide stuff in my kitchen. I’ll let her have her fun now, but, if she touches my chocolate and moves it to a place I cannot find, then she’ll be needing more than prescribed narcotics to recover. Just sayin’.

Walk, Sip, Walk, Sip, Repeat

The biggest things I have to remember to do now are to walk, which promotes healing, and to sip fluids, which keeps me hydrated. Well, that’s the instructions all the medical folks have told me about. Personally, I’d add the pain pills to the very top of that list, but I’m just the patient.
Anyway, as soon as the nurse said I could get up and walk, I did. Sue was there in the room and helped the nurse teach me how to get out of bed (now I know where the expression “rolling out of bed” comes from!) and I walked from the bed to the door of my room. Sue always makes things a fun game and she said I had to touch the door before going back to bed, so I did. The next time I walked I went down the hall and touched the door at the end of the hallway before going back to bed. After shift change another Nazi nurse made me walk a big lap around the floor, but she described the paintings on the wall as we went. The wife of one of the doctors painted a bunch of them and they were abstract, yet if you studied them you could see candles in one, eyeballs in the next one, and I think I saw the Lochness monster in another. When Sue came in, she made me get out of bed and play “hide from the nurse”. She made me walk laps on the floor, but she ducked us down hallways we weren’t suppose to be in so the Nazi nurse couldn’t find us. Sue’s got my back!

Popsicles and Percocets

I had elective surgery Monday. Sister Sue came up to be with me and will stay to take care of me. I came through the surgery in great shape. They give good drugs.
Waking up afterwards was fun. In recovery I remember waking up hungry and thirsty. My lips were chapped and my throat dry from the tube in my throat. The nurse asked if I wanted crackers and 7-up. I just said, “Run.” The nurse said, “Excuse me? Did I run here? Yes, I just got here.” Sue just stood there laughing because she knew what I wanted. She knew I wanted food and water NOW and I meant the nurse should hurry and run and get those for me right away.
Sue’s been a great help and I couldn’t have done it without her. She helped me eat my dinner of Jell-o, lemon ice, and sprite zero. There was broth, but it was really salty so I only had one bite of that. She’d never fed anyone that had their eyes closed the entire time, just barking orders as to what the next bite should be. That’s how I roll.
I graduated to a cheese omelet for breakfast and club sandwich and chips for lunch. I guess they got tired of feeding me cause they sent me home after lunch. Sue has set her alarm to give me pain meds. There’s been lengthy discussions with Cheryl – who has the medical background and first hand knowledge from her broken leg – about when and how to give my pain meds. Whatever was decided upon it is working! Sue sets her alarm and gives me my pain pill, a drink, and crackers before recording it in the log and going back to bed. I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to sleep yet, but that was an expected problem I knew I’d have to deal with. I’ll fill the time up by writing incoherent blog entries. The pain is indescribable. There’s a reason we have no vocabulary for such pain. I guess it’s like giving birth – it hurts now, but you forget the pain and go through it all again with another child. I have 3 more procedures I want to have done and while I’m trying to talk myself out of them because of this big pain, I know I’ll do them anyway – many, many years from now. Well, I guess I could move it up if I could find chocolate covered pain meds. That would make it all worthwhile.

Fact or Crap 3

We played a modified version of the Fact or Crap game last night. Z-man read the questions aloud and we each just yelled out “fact” or “crap” depending on if we thought the statement was true or false. It was late and we were exhausted from a day of tailgating and football. I kept yelling out “don’t give a crap” for my answer – I was tired. Glen was snoring in between questions, then would rouse long enough to mutter “fact” or “crap”. We were all amused by this, and it got funnier when he actually got them correct. I went to bed early and still am wondering if titanium is the hardest natural substance in the world. Well, according to my nephew, his poop might qualify for that title. Sigh.

Fact or Crap 2

In visiting with my brother and family, the nephews, ages 12 and 14, felt the need to announce, then describe (in great detail) all of their bodily functions. Continually. Nothing was off limits – pooping, farting, and the gunk that came out of their noses. I’m told it’s not a guy thing, nor is it a teenager thing, but rather a family thing and if I wanted to remain a member of this fine, stellar family then I would need to get with the program.
I’ll leave the poop discussions to Dr. Oz, and I’m not touching the snot rag analysis, but I do know a little about farting. Cut the cheese, stink burger, toilet tune, silent but deadly, rip one, let one go, backdoor breeze, pop a fluffy, gas attack, jockey burner, cut loose, nose death, backfire, stink bomb, bun shaker, tail wind, lethal cloud, bean blower, burnin’ rubber, fowl howl, fog slicer, squeak one out, and toot.
Hey Z-man, pull my finger!

Fact or Crap 1

Glen started months ago planning for Cheryl’s surprise birthday present. He bought tickets for the UT/OSU football game in Stillwater for this past weekend. He also wanted to surprise Sue. He got Nancy to tell Sue her friends were coming this past weekend to visit, when in reality, Glen and family would come up from Austin, and I would come down from Lawrence, KS. Glen gave Cheryl the tickets on her birthday the week before. They left after the boys got out of school on Friday and got to Sue’s around midnight. They banged on the door and when Sue answered they were standing there singing “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You". Sue was so surprised! When I showed up the next morning I heard her from down the road scream, “That’s my sister!” Glen got her good.
We went to the tailgate party hours before the game – Sue and Nancy in OSU shirts, the rest of us in UT outfits. We looked good. The OSU fans were very nice and friendly to all the UT fans. We responded in kind by not cramming the subsequent OSU loss down their throats hours later. Like Cheryl said, “No matter the outcome, orange wins!”

Boom Boom Pow

Hatfields vs. McCoys; Crips vs. Bloods; Simon vs. Paula are all famous rivals. But they’ve got nothing on sports rivals. Cowboys vs. Redskins; Bulls vs. Celtics; Texas vs. Oklahoma are just a few. Speaking of, Oklahoma doesn’t have any supporters in our family. Texas will surely beat them in a big way tomorrow, and OSU won’t even nod in their direction when driving by.
Black Eyed Peas are opening for U2 in Norman, Oklahoma this weekend at the OU stadium. Nancy and Sue bought tickets months ago. Nancy graduated from OSU. Her dad taught at OSU. They are OSU people. So having to walk into the OU stadium is absolutely killing her, no matter how awesome the concert will be. I told her I’d help her out and go in her place so she doesn’t have to go through the anxiety of being in enemy territory for hours. I promised to give her the highlights. I’m that kind of friend.

Pageant People

I read where the current Miss Washington USA crowned the new Miss Washington USA – she happened to be her twin sister. I told my twin sister we soooo could have been back to back Miss Texas winners if it weren’t for the fact that we didn’t own bikinis. She reminded me that we also were missing the tiaras. Our talent would have been scratching and kicking. Whenever we fought as kids her nails would come out and in order to avoid her blood drawing claws I’d kick her a bazillion times to make her get away from me. Perhaps it’s not too late to go for the Miss Texas Mud Wrestling title instead. Oh wait, we still don’t own bikinis.

It Was So Cold ...

In honor of the cold temperatures (fourth day straight of 30 degree weather, brrrr!) here are a few of my favorite plagiarized cold weather sayings. Feel free to add your favorite…

IT WAS SO COLD …

· We had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace
· A flasher rushed up and described himself
· When we milked the cows we got ice cream (the brown cows gave us chocolate ice cream)
· Richard Simmons started wearing pants
· My dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering
· My corn flakes turned into frosted flakes
· Tea cozies were being used for things that tea cozies should never be used for
· If you made an ugly face it stayed that way. I guess mom was right all along.

As Seen on TV

I got sucked in to one of those infomercials today. I can pick this product up at Target, but this offer is giving me an extra product for the price of one plus two extra gifts I cannot seem to live without. I read the product reviews online – all favorable. I made sure the site was secure. I made sure I was getting all of what they promised. I smiled at how smart I was for taking advantage of this great offer. I was so happy with myself right up until I pressed the final confirm button. Along with my confirmation number of my order came the postage charges for the first time – more than the product cost itself. What?! Unfreakinbelievable. No back button. No cancel order button. Just the confirmation. Shoulda known there was a catch. I’d tell you what the product is except my sister, who reads my blog, is getting the extra one for Christmas and I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Oh well. Lesson learned. I figure with the bonus items I’ve saved two bucks – enough to run up to Target after all and buy some chocolate.

GOAL!

Been seriously trying to lose weight for years and years and years and years. The more time that passes, the harder it has been to lose weight. I’ve been one pound away from goal weight for a very long time, going up and down a range of four pounds, but never hitting that magic number my doctor and I have set according to the BMI calculator. For a year now, my lipid panel results would make a teenager jealous (meaning I’m healthy) so all that’s left to do is to hit that magic number on the scale.
Went to the Texas State Fair two days ago and had to try the fried cookie dough with chocolate sauce, the chicken fried bacon, and the fried butter with cherry sauce. OMG! Heavenly. I knew I’d pay for it on the scale but decided to indulge anyway.
Today I got on the scale and not only did I hit the magic number, I passed it by another pound! I’m ecstatic. I should have tried the fried food diet months ago to get to goal! This is huge for me! Just don’t take blood for a current lipid panel as there is so much grease and chocolate still running in the veins right now.

Texting With My Brother

One of my mom’s best friends passed away this week. Sue and I met up in Dallas to drive down, and Glen drove up from Austin to the services near Waco. Sue and Glen texted:
Sue: I have Cindy and we are headed south in the truck
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: In the rain
Glen: While putting on panty hose
Glen: While eating an Egg McMuffin
Glen: And putting on mascara

I text messaged with him:
Cindy: See you soon, be safe
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: It’s not safe
Glen: Especially while changing into my suit
Glen: While driving 82 miles per hour
Glen: and shaving
Glen: While dancing to Earth, Wind, and Fire

That just ain’t right.