Holiday Cheer

I love holiday movies. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen them. Year after year I love to watch them all. I started watching them yesterday and am so happy to have them while I’m being a slug on the couch. But that means my sister has to watch them too. She’s ready to poke her eye out. Or so she says. But then she grabs the remote and rewinds the movie to see the parts she may have missed if she gets a phone call or leaves the room to fetch me something. She can go on with her bah-humbug self. I know just the thing to cheer her up – more holiday movies! The next time she leaves the room I’m grabbing the remote and will set all the movies to record on the DVR so we have an endless supply! Ho Ho Ho!

For the Boys

I was sent home from surgery with 4 drains. These are plastic bulbs at the end of a long tube. One end of the tube is deep inside my body and the other end of the tube has the bulb attached and the bodily fluids (mostly blood and tissue) collect in the bulb. Another thing Caregiver Sue must do is empty and measure each bulb and record it’s output and color. My nephews would be fascinated with this stuff. Right up their alley alongside poops, farts, and snot. Sue and I have become quite well versed on the red family – red, fire engine red, cranberry, burgundy, coral red, crimson, chestnut, scarlet, and sangria. Today we have moved into the pinks, oranges, and clears: dark pink, amaranth, cardinal, fuchsia, magenta, maroon, mauve, rose, violet, terra cotta, and vermilion. The content of the bulbs gets more gunked up as the days pass too. Eventually I get all the drains removed. Then it’s back to talking about poops, farts, and snot with the nephews.

Sharing the Loopy

I think my sister has been sampling my prescribed narcotics. She’s making me a protein shake now and laughing hysterically to herself. She said, "get out the whey” then went into gangster rap about “Git out da way!” She’s cracking herself up. Then as she is moving around the kitchen, trying to find stuff she laughed that wicked witch laugh and said, “oh it’s pay-back time”. Apparently I emptied her dishwasher once when I was there and she couldn’t find dishes for weeks. She’s threatening to rearrange and hide stuff in my kitchen. I’ll let her have her fun now, but, if she touches my chocolate and moves it to a place I cannot find, then she’ll be needing more than prescribed narcotics to recover. Just sayin’.

Walk, Sip, Walk, Sip, Repeat

The biggest things I have to remember to do now are to walk, which promotes healing, and to sip fluids, which keeps me hydrated. Well, that’s the instructions all the medical folks have told me about. Personally, I’d add the pain pills to the very top of that list, but I’m just the patient.
Anyway, as soon as the nurse said I could get up and walk, I did. Sue was there in the room and helped the nurse teach me how to get out of bed (now I know where the expression “rolling out of bed” comes from!) and I walked from the bed to the door of my room. Sue always makes things a fun game and she said I had to touch the door before going back to bed, so I did. The next time I walked I went down the hall and touched the door at the end of the hallway before going back to bed. After shift change another Nazi nurse made me walk a big lap around the floor, but she described the paintings on the wall as we went. The wife of one of the doctors painted a bunch of them and they were abstract, yet if you studied them you could see candles in one, eyeballs in the next one, and I think I saw the Lochness monster in another. When Sue came in, she made me get out of bed and play “hide from the nurse”. She made me walk laps on the floor, but she ducked us down hallways we weren’t suppose to be in so the Nazi nurse couldn’t find us. Sue’s got my back!

Popsicles and Percocets

I had elective surgery Monday. Sister Sue came up to be with me and will stay to take care of me. I came through the surgery in great shape. They give good drugs.
Waking up afterwards was fun. In recovery I remember waking up hungry and thirsty. My lips were chapped and my throat dry from the tube in my throat. The nurse asked if I wanted crackers and 7-up. I just said, “Run.” The nurse said, “Excuse me? Did I run here? Yes, I just got here.” Sue just stood there laughing because she knew what I wanted. She knew I wanted food and water NOW and I meant the nurse should hurry and run and get those for me right away.
Sue’s been a great help and I couldn’t have done it without her. She helped me eat my dinner of Jell-o, lemon ice, and sprite zero. There was broth, but it was really salty so I only had one bite of that. She’d never fed anyone that had their eyes closed the entire time, just barking orders as to what the next bite should be. That’s how I roll.
I graduated to a cheese omelet for breakfast and club sandwich and chips for lunch. I guess they got tired of feeding me cause they sent me home after lunch. Sue has set her alarm to give me pain meds. There’s been lengthy discussions with Cheryl – who has the medical background and first hand knowledge from her broken leg – about when and how to give my pain meds. Whatever was decided upon it is working! Sue sets her alarm and gives me my pain pill, a drink, and crackers before recording it in the log and going back to bed. I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to sleep yet, but that was an expected problem I knew I’d have to deal with. I’ll fill the time up by writing incoherent blog entries. The pain is indescribable. There’s a reason we have no vocabulary for such pain. I guess it’s like giving birth – it hurts now, but you forget the pain and go through it all again with another child. I have 3 more procedures I want to have done and while I’m trying to talk myself out of them because of this big pain, I know I’ll do them anyway – many, many years from now. Well, I guess I could move it up if I could find chocolate covered pain meds. That would make it all worthwhile.

Fact or Crap 3

We played a modified version of the Fact or Crap game last night. Z-man read the questions aloud and we each just yelled out “fact” or “crap” depending on if we thought the statement was true or false. It was late and we were exhausted from a day of tailgating and football. I kept yelling out “don’t give a crap” for my answer – I was tired. Glen was snoring in between questions, then would rouse long enough to mutter “fact” or “crap”. We were all amused by this, and it got funnier when he actually got them correct. I went to bed early and still am wondering if titanium is the hardest natural substance in the world. Well, according to my nephew, his poop might qualify for that title. Sigh.

Fact or Crap 2

In visiting with my brother and family, the nephews, ages 12 and 14, felt the need to announce, then describe (in great detail) all of their bodily functions. Continually. Nothing was off limits – pooping, farting, and the gunk that came out of their noses. I’m told it’s not a guy thing, nor is it a teenager thing, but rather a family thing and if I wanted to remain a member of this fine, stellar family then I would need to get with the program.
I’ll leave the poop discussions to Dr. Oz, and I’m not touching the snot rag analysis, but I do know a little about farting. Cut the cheese, stink burger, toilet tune, silent but deadly, rip one, let one go, backdoor breeze, pop a fluffy, gas attack, jockey burner, cut loose, nose death, backfire, stink bomb, bun shaker, tail wind, lethal cloud, bean blower, burnin’ rubber, fowl howl, fog slicer, squeak one out, and toot.
Hey Z-man, pull my finger!

Fact or Crap 1

Glen started months ago planning for Cheryl’s surprise birthday present. He bought tickets for the UT/OSU football game in Stillwater for this past weekend. He also wanted to surprise Sue. He got Nancy to tell Sue her friends were coming this past weekend to visit, when in reality, Glen and family would come up from Austin, and I would come down from Lawrence, KS. Glen gave Cheryl the tickets on her birthday the week before. They left after the boys got out of school on Friday and got to Sue’s around midnight. They banged on the door and when Sue answered they were standing there singing “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You". Sue was so surprised! When I showed up the next morning I heard her from down the road scream, “That’s my sister!” Glen got her good.
We went to the tailgate party hours before the game – Sue and Nancy in OSU shirts, the rest of us in UT outfits. We looked good. The OSU fans were very nice and friendly to all the UT fans. We responded in kind by not cramming the subsequent OSU loss down their throats hours later. Like Cheryl said, “No matter the outcome, orange wins!”

Boom Boom Pow

Hatfields vs. McCoys; Crips vs. Bloods; Simon vs. Paula are all famous rivals. But they’ve got nothing on sports rivals. Cowboys vs. Redskins; Bulls vs. Celtics; Texas vs. Oklahoma are just a few. Speaking of, Oklahoma doesn’t have any supporters in our family. Texas will surely beat them in a big way tomorrow, and OSU won’t even nod in their direction when driving by.
Black Eyed Peas are opening for U2 in Norman, Oklahoma this weekend at the OU stadium. Nancy and Sue bought tickets months ago. Nancy graduated from OSU. Her dad taught at OSU. They are OSU people. So having to walk into the OU stadium is absolutely killing her, no matter how awesome the concert will be. I told her I’d help her out and go in her place so she doesn’t have to go through the anxiety of being in enemy territory for hours. I promised to give her the highlights. I’m that kind of friend.

Pageant People

I read where the current Miss Washington USA crowned the new Miss Washington USA – she happened to be her twin sister. I told my twin sister we soooo could have been back to back Miss Texas winners if it weren’t for the fact that we didn’t own bikinis. She reminded me that we also were missing the tiaras. Our talent would have been scratching and kicking. Whenever we fought as kids her nails would come out and in order to avoid her blood drawing claws I’d kick her a bazillion times to make her get away from me. Perhaps it’s not too late to go for the Miss Texas Mud Wrestling title instead. Oh wait, we still don’t own bikinis.

It Was So Cold ...

In honor of the cold temperatures (fourth day straight of 30 degree weather, brrrr!) here are a few of my favorite plagiarized cold weather sayings. Feel free to add your favorite…

IT WAS SO COLD …

· We had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace
· A flasher rushed up and described himself
· When we milked the cows we got ice cream (the brown cows gave us chocolate ice cream)
· Richard Simmons started wearing pants
· My dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering
· My corn flakes turned into frosted flakes
· Tea cozies were being used for things that tea cozies should never be used for
· If you made an ugly face it stayed that way. I guess mom was right all along.

As Seen on TV

I got sucked in to one of those infomercials today. I can pick this product up at Target, but this offer is giving me an extra product for the price of one plus two extra gifts I cannot seem to live without. I read the product reviews online – all favorable. I made sure the site was secure. I made sure I was getting all of what they promised. I smiled at how smart I was for taking advantage of this great offer. I was so happy with myself right up until I pressed the final confirm button. Along with my confirmation number of my order came the postage charges for the first time – more than the product cost itself. What?! Unfreakinbelievable. No back button. No cancel order button. Just the confirmation. Shoulda known there was a catch. I’d tell you what the product is except my sister, who reads my blog, is getting the extra one for Christmas and I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Oh well. Lesson learned. I figure with the bonus items I’ve saved two bucks – enough to run up to Target after all and buy some chocolate.

GOAL!

Been seriously trying to lose weight for years and years and years and years. The more time that passes, the harder it has been to lose weight. I’ve been one pound away from goal weight for a very long time, going up and down a range of four pounds, but never hitting that magic number my doctor and I have set according to the BMI calculator. For a year now, my lipid panel results would make a teenager jealous (meaning I’m healthy) so all that’s left to do is to hit that magic number on the scale.
Went to the Texas State Fair two days ago and had to try the fried cookie dough with chocolate sauce, the chicken fried bacon, and the fried butter with cherry sauce. OMG! Heavenly. I knew I’d pay for it on the scale but decided to indulge anyway.
Today I got on the scale and not only did I hit the magic number, I passed it by another pound! I’m ecstatic. I should have tried the fried food diet months ago to get to goal! This is huge for me! Just don’t take blood for a current lipid panel as there is so much grease and chocolate still running in the veins right now.

Texting With My Brother

One of my mom’s best friends passed away this week. Sue and I met up in Dallas to drive down, and Glen drove up from Austin to the services near Waco. Sue and Glen texted:
Sue: I have Cindy and we are headed south in the truck
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: In the rain
Glen: While putting on panty hose
Glen: While eating an Egg McMuffin
Glen: And putting on mascara

I text messaged with him:
Cindy: See you soon, be safe
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: It’s not safe
Glen: Especially while changing into my suit
Glen: While driving 82 miles per hour
Glen: and shaving
Glen: While dancing to Earth, Wind, and Fire

That just ain’t right.

The Song is the Same

Music is generationally divisive. How can today’s near-metal, hip-hop generation of teenagers get excited about the rock music, power ballads we listened to as teenagers? Two words: Guitar Hero. At least that’s what my brother thinks. My nephews begged their parents to take them to the Journey concert tonight. What an awesome family outing! Today’s soundtrack of my nephew’s youth is the same as the soundtrack of my youth. Who’d have thought?! Now I wasn’t there, but I can just imagine everyone, young and old, spilling out of the concert singing in unison and a cappella “I’m forever yours, faithfully, whoa oh oh oh…”

Got My Flu Shot, Got the Flu

I got my flu shot last week so of course now I have the flu. But I don’t need to go to the doctor. I can get well on my own by taking massive doses of mucous rendering, expectorant, chemical combinations from the drugstore. My friend offered to go to the grocery store for me, but all I’m seeing here is chicken soup and lots of fruits and vegetables. Someone needs to give my friend the “chocolate is magic” lecture.

After Hours Double-Time

My house has become an appliance graveyard. The body count so far consists of a humidifier (if it wasn’t so loud I never would have thrown it across the room), an electric knife (think 70’s harvest gold), a waffle iron on life support (duct tape is all that is holding it together), the newly expired Panini maker, and the washing machine that is just a spin cycle away from flat-lining.
I guess it could be worse… the air conditioner, the TV, or the microwave could be out. Now these appliances would require immediate weekend, double-pay service if disabled. If I didn’t need the air conditioning I’d go camping. My neighbors couldn’t entertain me like reality shows. And, I couldn’t melt chocolate for brownies, cupcakes, and my intravenous infusions.

Month Day Year Hour Minute Second

September 9, 2009, otherwise known as 09/09/09. It falls on a Wednesday and both that word and September have 9 letters in them. Everything that happens today – good or bad – will be blamed on this date, no matter how undeserved because 9 is considered both lucky and ominous, depending on who you are hanging out with. I think 9 is lucky because I don’t buy into the thought that numbers hold fear over us like the threat of a tsunami. Merchants have advertised 09/09/09 day as Beatles Day because of the release of The Beatles: Rock Band game. Movie releases will happen today. Couples have planned weddings or childbirth to happen on this day. I wasn’t so organized as to plan something spectacular for this day, so I’ll mark my calendar and start making plans now for the next year when the same digit month, day, year, hour, minute, and second fall on the same day. I don’t know what that will be, but I do know that chocolate will be involved.

Big 12 - SCORE!

We were raised in Texas where the accents are heavy (Y’all know they are) and football is a religion. So naturally, my brother, sister, and I all support our local NCAA college football teams. My brother and family cheer for the University of Texas Longhorns. My sister goes to the Oklahoma State University Cowboy games. (I am very well versed now in the difference between bright orange and burnt orange.) I root for the Kansas University Jayhawks.
I trash talk text message with my nephews, but I’m no good at it. Last year the best I could come up with was the old line, “bust out the pen and paper – you just got schooled”. I hate to be so harsh. Thank goodness all three teams won their first game of the season – and won big! But I’ve been practicing my trash talk for when we play each other. Topping the insult list is “We’re gonna hit you so hard and so fast and from so many directions that you’re gonna be screamin’, “Y’all stop”."
I'll keep working on it. Ammunition, er, I mean suggestions, welcome.

Texting with my Sister

Sis: On the way to pick up 100 frozen chickens.
Me: Won’t 100 chickens be kinda loud when they thaw?
Sis: They are very quiet. The reception we got was chilly. They gave us the cold shoulder.
Me: Glad they finally warmed up to you. Throw some rice at them and call it dinner. Are they part of the volunteer work you do for the co-op? Or do you have a vitamin deficiency?
Sis: Neither. Long story. I’ll send an email.
Me: If frogs are involved, nevermind.
I still don't know if those birds are alive or not, nor do I know why she feels she needs 100 of them. I'm still waiting for the explanation e-mail, but I gotta say now, that just ain't right.