2009 - Out

Two more inches of snow last night, making it almost two feet for the week. The city was clearing our street first thing this morning, so I got out and got my tamales, corn bread, and black-eyed peas for New Year's Day - no worries. Since we will get to single digit temps tonight for a week, any ice, snow, or sludge left on the sidewalks or driveway will freeze and never melt, so I got out and finished shoveling when I got home from the store. Lots of neighbors were out doing the same thing. I got to meet the new neighborhood dogs (animals, not people) and catch up on the gossip. Food, bath, then bed for me!
Be safe tomorrow and have a Happy New Year!

Sports Melding

Texas has it wrapped up in NCAA football. Hook ‘Em Horns! Go Orange! January 7th is gonna be a great game!
Now, let’s talk NCAA basketball! I was pretty sure Kansas had it locked. But now I see that both Texas and Oklahoma State are also doing well. Might have to work for it a little harder than we thought, but I’m still cheering on KU! Rock Chalk Jayhawk!
For fun, I got Glen, Cheryl, Dillon, and Tyler all KU basketball shirts for Christmas. I wanted them to have something to wear during basketball season. I also got them electronic gizmos as well because I’m pretty sure they’ll just wear the shirts as pajama tops. Christmas Day I got an email from them. They were wearing their KU shirts while giving the Texas Longhorn finger salute, the sign of the horns. I laughed so hard. Hook ‘Em Jayhawks! Or is that Rock Chalk Longhorn?! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!

I’m not into any of the holiday football bowl games. I’m waiting for the January 7th Texas game to get excited again. Until then, I wonder…
Who would win a football game between drumming drummers and piping pipers? What about swimming swans and laying geese? Calling birds and French hens? I’d get me some wassail and figgy pudding and watch that.
We’ll have a white Christmas with about 5 inches of snow by the morning. Great weather to curl up with a good book and have a fire in the fireplace. Almost all the Christmas Eve services and activities have been cancelled already. I sure hope Santa doesn’t cancel his rounds. I’m putting out the milk, gingerbread men, and reindeer treats just in case; but don’t expect me to save any chocolate chip cookies for the big guy as I’ll be eating those after I shovel the walk.

Last Minute Christmas Chaos

Who waits until the last minute to START their Christmas shopping? Certainly no one I know, but if I did know someone like that, I offer some great advice:
First, give up the idea of finding the perfect present for anyone. Of course, if you’ve waited until Christmas Eve to start shopping then you probably already have. Tell yourself it’s the thought that counts and repeat until you believe it. Then try one of the following quiet, peaceful places guaranteed to avoid the other crazed shoppers.
Hardware store – For women get the framed artwork, poinsettia or silk tree, the tabletop fountain, or power tools. For men, get lots of shiny gadgets that light up and make noises.
Movies – give the gift of a good time in movie passes.
Pet Supply Store – dog squeaker toys or cat themed cards that could be framed for the wall.
Hair salon – haircut or manicure gift certificate.
Gas Station – for the really desperate – they sell sunglasses, wireless accessories, lottery tickets, or candy.
Video store – for the desperately desperate – they stay open late and sell movies and games.
If you cannot get out due to weather or you suffer from severe procrastination, you can always use your computer to generate gift certificates for anything and deliver by e-mail.
Finally, just buy the kids a set of batteries and attach a note saying, “Toys Not Included”.
Then you can loudly proclaim that you are finally ready for Christmas with an hour to spare!

Don't Mess with a Wrestler's Aunt

My nephew wrestles better than your nephew.
It’s a new sport to me, but I’m learning quickly as Tyler does better and better. Basically, you try to get both of the opponent’s shoulders on the mat at the same time for two seconds. I get that. It’s all the stuff that happens trying to get that done that I’m not real clear on.
Each wrestler wears the same outfit – a singlet, shoes, and a helmet to keep the brain guts intact. They have to play both offense and defense and be good at both. It’s not like football where you’ve got six deep in each position either offense or defense. The scoring depends on falls, escapes, reversals, and other positions you must be good at; and somehow the wrestlers know if they are suppose to be getting into or out of these positions. I just look for my nephew to pin the guy. He’s quite good at it. And even though there are lots of weight classes, he has to wrestle man-child folks who weigh 50 or more pounds more than him. Finally, each wrestler must bring a cloth to the match to wipe any sweat and blood from the mat after the match. Ick.
You can get up now. The match is over. And I can open my eyes again.

Snow!

I live down the street from a school. When there is snow or sleet, the streets by me are plowed and sanded first so the buses can get the kiddos to school on time. It was wicked cold today – between 0 and 7 degrees all day. I was out shoveling the sidewalk when school let out and some kids walking home commented on all the fresh, white snow in my yard. They asked if they could build a snowman and I said sure. As they ran all over the yard getting mounds of snow together, I stole what I could and began making a snow cave. Then I hid inside and peeked out long enough to throw the first snowball in our massive, mondo snowball fight! Other kids joined in, mostly ganging up on me, but my little cave gave me adequate shelter from the bumps and bruises the other kids no doubt now have. They never did finish the snowman, and I never did finish the sidewalk. Instead, I opted for a soak in the tub and hot chocolate. The kids said they were telling their friends to come over and do it again tomorrow. The sun is coming out tomorrow and the warmer temperatures will probably melt most of the snow by the time school gets out, but I’m stocking up on hot cocoa and cookies anyway. And Ben Gay ointment.

Looking Good

I’m still recovering well from surgery. Glen drove up to look at me. We went to the KU men’s basketball game. KU put up 36 unanswered points, 1 short of the NCAA record for most consecutive points in a game. The final score reflected a 67 point victory, which was the third largest margin of victory in KU history, and the 31 points the opponent did score were the fewest allowed by a KU team in Allen Fieldhouse. Granted, their opponent was ranked 347 out of 347, but KU still played like the champions they are. We went to dinner after the game and watched Duke lose by one point. Great night of basketball, burgers, and brother’s visit!

The Day After

Twas the day after Thanksgiving
And all through the mall
Lunatics were stirring;
A real free for all.
The decorations were hung
Throughout the mall with care
Been up since before Halloween
Alongside the pumpkins, turkeys, and the Hanukkah bear.

Hey, it rhymes. Kinda like the Hanukkah armadillo from Friends.
Bad poetry aside, I was out there with them. Everywhere I went people were well behaved and friendly. Except we made fun of the folks wearing matching holiday shirts and Santa hats. That’s just wrong. Those folks are serious shoppers and I kept my distance from them. They had pre-coordinated their movements like a dance troupe – one grabbed the cart, two ran ahead and grabbed boxes of electronics, holding them up for scrutiny by the head elf in the group who decided if it made it into the cart or back on the shelf, and one held a place in the check-out line. I imagine they had been camping outside for at least a day and a half. I wasn’t as organized and came home after my big purchases of delicate wash things for myself and a corn dog. You just don’t get these kinds of encounters with on-line shopping.

Holiday Cheer

I love holiday movies. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen them. Year after year I love to watch them all. I started watching them yesterday and am so happy to have them while I’m being a slug on the couch. But that means my sister has to watch them too. She’s ready to poke her eye out. Or so she says. But then she grabs the remote and rewinds the movie to see the parts she may have missed if she gets a phone call or leaves the room to fetch me something. She can go on with her bah-humbug self. I know just the thing to cheer her up – more holiday movies! The next time she leaves the room I’m grabbing the remote and will set all the movies to record on the DVR so we have an endless supply! Ho Ho Ho!

For the Boys

I was sent home from surgery with 4 drains. These are plastic bulbs at the end of a long tube. One end of the tube is deep inside my body and the other end of the tube has the bulb attached and the bodily fluids (mostly blood and tissue) collect in the bulb. Another thing Caregiver Sue must do is empty and measure each bulb and record it’s output and color. My nephews would be fascinated with this stuff. Right up their alley alongside poops, farts, and snot. Sue and I have become quite well versed on the red family – red, fire engine red, cranberry, burgundy, coral red, crimson, chestnut, scarlet, and sangria. Today we have moved into the pinks, oranges, and clears: dark pink, amaranth, cardinal, fuchsia, magenta, maroon, mauve, rose, violet, terra cotta, and vermilion. The content of the bulbs gets more gunked up as the days pass too. Eventually I get all the drains removed. Then it’s back to talking about poops, farts, and snot with the nephews.

Sharing the Loopy

I think my sister has been sampling my prescribed narcotics. She’s making me a protein shake now and laughing hysterically to herself. She said, "get out the whey” then went into gangster rap about “Git out da way!” She’s cracking herself up. Then as she is moving around the kitchen, trying to find stuff she laughed that wicked witch laugh and said, “oh it’s pay-back time”. Apparently I emptied her dishwasher once when I was there and she couldn’t find dishes for weeks. She’s threatening to rearrange and hide stuff in my kitchen. I’ll let her have her fun now, but, if she touches my chocolate and moves it to a place I cannot find, then she’ll be needing more than prescribed narcotics to recover. Just sayin’.

Walk, Sip, Walk, Sip, Repeat

The biggest things I have to remember to do now are to walk, which promotes healing, and to sip fluids, which keeps me hydrated. Well, that’s the instructions all the medical folks have told me about. Personally, I’d add the pain pills to the very top of that list, but I’m just the patient.
Anyway, as soon as the nurse said I could get up and walk, I did. Sue was there in the room and helped the nurse teach me how to get out of bed (now I know where the expression “rolling out of bed” comes from!) and I walked from the bed to the door of my room. Sue always makes things a fun game and she said I had to touch the door before going back to bed, so I did. The next time I walked I went down the hall and touched the door at the end of the hallway before going back to bed. After shift change another Nazi nurse made me walk a big lap around the floor, but she described the paintings on the wall as we went. The wife of one of the doctors painted a bunch of them and they were abstract, yet if you studied them you could see candles in one, eyeballs in the next one, and I think I saw the Lochness monster in another. When Sue came in, she made me get out of bed and play “hide from the nurse”. She made me walk laps on the floor, but she ducked us down hallways we weren’t suppose to be in so the Nazi nurse couldn’t find us. Sue’s got my back!

Popsicles and Percocets

I had elective surgery Monday. Sister Sue came up to be with me and will stay to take care of me. I came through the surgery in great shape. They give good drugs.
Waking up afterwards was fun. In recovery I remember waking up hungry and thirsty. My lips were chapped and my throat dry from the tube in my throat. The nurse asked if I wanted crackers and 7-up. I just said, “Run.” The nurse said, “Excuse me? Did I run here? Yes, I just got here.” Sue just stood there laughing because she knew what I wanted. She knew I wanted food and water NOW and I meant the nurse should hurry and run and get those for me right away.
Sue’s been a great help and I couldn’t have done it without her. She helped me eat my dinner of Jell-o, lemon ice, and sprite zero. There was broth, but it was really salty so I only had one bite of that. She’d never fed anyone that had their eyes closed the entire time, just barking orders as to what the next bite should be. That’s how I roll.
I graduated to a cheese omelet for breakfast and club sandwich and chips for lunch. I guess they got tired of feeding me cause they sent me home after lunch. Sue has set her alarm to give me pain meds. There’s been lengthy discussions with Cheryl – who has the medical background and first hand knowledge from her broken leg – about when and how to give my pain meds. Whatever was decided upon it is working! Sue sets her alarm and gives me my pain pill, a drink, and crackers before recording it in the log and going back to bed. I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to sleep yet, but that was an expected problem I knew I’d have to deal with. I’ll fill the time up by writing incoherent blog entries. The pain is indescribable. There’s a reason we have no vocabulary for such pain. I guess it’s like giving birth – it hurts now, but you forget the pain and go through it all again with another child. I have 3 more procedures I want to have done and while I’m trying to talk myself out of them because of this big pain, I know I’ll do them anyway – many, many years from now. Well, I guess I could move it up if I could find chocolate covered pain meds. That would make it all worthwhile.

Fact or Crap 3

We played a modified version of the Fact or Crap game last night. Z-man read the questions aloud and we each just yelled out “fact” or “crap” depending on if we thought the statement was true or false. It was late and we were exhausted from a day of tailgating and football. I kept yelling out “don’t give a crap” for my answer – I was tired. Glen was snoring in between questions, then would rouse long enough to mutter “fact” or “crap”. We were all amused by this, and it got funnier when he actually got them correct. I went to bed early and still am wondering if titanium is the hardest natural substance in the world. Well, according to my nephew, his poop might qualify for that title. Sigh.

Fact or Crap 2

In visiting with my brother and family, the nephews, ages 12 and 14, felt the need to announce, then describe (in great detail) all of their bodily functions. Continually. Nothing was off limits – pooping, farting, and the gunk that came out of their noses. I’m told it’s not a guy thing, nor is it a teenager thing, but rather a family thing and if I wanted to remain a member of this fine, stellar family then I would need to get with the program.
I’ll leave the poop discussions to Dr. Oz, and I’m not touching the snot rag analysis, but I do know a little about farting. Cut the cheese, stink burger, toilet tune, silent but deadly, rip one, let one go, backdoor breeze, pop a fluffy, gas attack, jockey burner, cut loose, nose death, backfire, stink bomb, bun shaker, tail wind, lethal cloud, bean blower, burnin’ rubber, fowl howl, fog slicer, squeak one out, and toot.
Hey Z-man, pull my finger!

Fact or Crap 1

Glen started months ago planning for Cheryl’s surprise birthday present. He bought tickets for the UT/OSU football game in Stillwater for this past weekend. He also wanted to surprise Sue. He got Nancy to tell Sue her friends were coming this past weekend to visit, when in reality, Glen and family would come up from Austin, and I would come down from Lawrence, KS. Glen gave Cheryl the tickets on her birthday the week before. They left after the boys got out of school on Friday and got to Sue’s around midnight. They banged on the door and when Sue answered they were standing there singing “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You". Sue was so surprised! When I showed up the next morning I heard her from down the road scream, “That’s my sister!” Glen got her good.
We went to the tailgate party hours before the game – Sue and Nancy in OSU shirts, the rest of us in UT outfits. We looked good. The OSU fans were very nice and friendly to all the UT fans. We responded in kind by not cramming the subsequent OSU loss down their throats hours later. Like Cheryl said, “No matter the outcome, orange wins!”

Boom Boom Pow

Hatfields vs. McCoys; Crips vs. Bloods; Simon vs. Paula are all famous rivals. But they’ve got nothing on sports rivals. Cowboys vs. Redskins; Bulls vs. Celtics; Texas vs. Oklahoma are just a few. Speaking of, Oklahoma doesn’t have any supporters in our family. Texas will surely beat them in a big way tomorrow, and OSU won’t even nod in their direction when driving by.
Black Eyed Peas are opening for U2 in Norman, Oklahoma this weekend at the OU stadium. Nancy and Sue bought tickets months ago. Nancy graduated from OSU. Her dad taught at OSU. They are OSU people. So having to walk into the OU stadium is absolutely killing her, no matter how awesome the concert will be. I told her I’d help her out and go in her place so she doesn’t have to go through the anxiety of being in enemy territory for hours. I promised to give her the highlights. I’m that kind of friend.

Pageant People

I read where the current Miss Washington USA crowned the new Miss Washington USA – she happened to be her twin sister. I told my twin sister we soooo could have been back to back Miss Texas winners if it weren’t for the fact that we didn’t own bikinis. She reminded me that we also were missing the tiaras. Our talent would have been scratching and kicking. Whenever we fought as kids her nails would come out and in order to avoid her blood drawing claws I’d kick her a bazillion times to make her get away from me. Perhaps it’s not too late to go for the Miss Texas Mud Wrestling title instead. Oh wait, we still don’t own bikinis.

It Was So Cold ...

In honor of the cold temperatures (fourth day straight of 30 degree weather, brrrr!) here are a few of my favorite plagiarized cold weather sayings. Feel free to add your favorite…

IT WAS SO COLD …

· We had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace
· A flasher rushed up and described himself
· When we milked the cows we got ice cream (the brown cows gave us chocolate ice cream)
· Richard Simmons started wearing pants
· My dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering
· My corn flakes turned into frosted flakes
· Tea cozies were being used for things that tea cozies should never be used for
· If you made an ugly face it stayed that way. I guess mom was right all along.

As Seen on TV

I got sucked in to one of those infomercials today. I can pick this product up at Target, but this offer is giving me an extra product for the price of one plus two extra gifts I cannot seem to live without. I read the product reviews online – all favorable. I made sure the site was secure. I made sure I was getting all of what they promised. I smiled at how smart I was for taking advantage of this great offer. I was so happy with myself right up until I pressed the final confirm button. Along with my confirmation number of my order came the postage charges for the first time – more than the product cost itself. What?! Unfreakinbelievable. No back button. No cancel order button. Just the confirmation. Shoulda known there was a catch. I’d tell you what the product is except my sister, who reads my blog, is getting the extra one for Christmas and I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Oh well. Lesson learned. I figure with the bonus items I’ve saved two bucks – enough to run up to Target after all and buy some chocolate.

GOAL!

Been seriously trying to lose weight for years and years and years and years. The more time that passes, the harder it has been to lose weight. I’ve been one pound away from goal weight for a very long time, going up and down a range of four pounds, but never hitting that magic number my doctor and I have set according to the BMI calculator. For a year now, my lipid panel results would make a teenager jealous (meaning I’m healthy) so all that’s left to do is to hit that magic number on the scale.
Went to the Texas State Fair two days ago and had to try the fried cookie dough with chocolate sauce, the chicken fried bacon, and the fried butter with cherry sauce. OMG! Heavenly. I knew I’d pay for it on the scale but decided to indulge anyway.
Today I got on the scale and not only did I hit the magic number, I passed it by another pound! I’m ecstatic. I should have tried the fried food diet months ago to get to goal! This is huge for me! Just don’t take blood for a current lipid panel as there is so much grease and chocolate still running in the veins right now.

Texting With My Brother

One of my mom’s best friends passed away this week. Sue and I met up in Dallas to drive down, and Glen drove up from Austin to the services near Waco. Sue and Glen texted:
Sue: I have Cindy and we are headed south in the truck
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: In the rain
Glen: While putting on panty hose
Glen: While eating an Egg McMuffin
Glen: And putting on mascara

I text messaged with him:
Cindy: See you soon, be safe
Glen: No texting while driving
Glen: It’s not safe
Glen: Especially while changing into my suit
Glen: While driving 82 miles per hour
Glen: and shaving
Glen: While dancing to Earth, Wind, and Fire

That just ain’t right.

The Song is the Same

Music is generationally divisive. How can today’s near-metal, hip-hop generation of teenagers get excited about the rock music, power ballads we listened to as teenagers? Two words: Guitar Hero. At least that’s what my brother thinks. My nephews begged their parents to take them to the Journey concert tonight. What an awesome family outing! Today’s soundtrack of my nephew’s youth is the same as the soundtrack of my youth. Who’d have thought?! Now I wasn’t there, but I can just imagine everyone, young and old, spilling out of the concert singing in unison and a cappella “I’m forever yours, faithfully, whoa oh oh oh…”

Got My Flu Shot, Got the Flu

I got my flu shot last week so of course now I have the flu. But I don’t need to go to the doctor. I can get well on my own by taking massive doses of mucous rendering, expectorant, chemical combinations from the drugstore. My friend offered to go to the grocery store for me, but all I’m seeing here is chicken soup and lots of fruits and vegetables. Someone needs to give my friend the “chocolate is magic” lecture.

After Hours Double-Time

My house has become an appliance graveyard. The body count so far consists of a humidifier (if it wasn’t so loud I never would have thrown it across the room), an electric knife (think 70’s harvest gold), a waffle iron on life support (duct tape is all that is holding it together), the newly expired Panini maker, and the washing machine that is just a spin cycle away from flat-lining.
I guess it could be worse… the air conditioner, the TV, or the microwave could be out. Now these appliances would require immediate weekend, double-pay service if disabled. If I didn’t need the air conditioning I’d go camping. My neighbors couldn’t entertain me like reality shows. And, I couldn’t melt chocolate for brownies, cupcakes, and my intravenous infusions.

Month Day Year Hour Minute Second

September 9, 2009, otherwise known as 09/09/09. It falls on a Wednesday and both that word and September have 9 letters in them. Everything that happens today – good or bad – will be blamed on this date, no matter how undeserved because 9 is considered both lucky and ominous, depending on who you are hanging out with. I think 9 is lucky because I don’t buy into the thought that numbers hold fear over us like the threat of a tsunami. Merchants have advertised 09/09/09 day as Beatles Day because of the release of The Beatles: Rock Band game. Movie releases will happen today. Couples have planned weddings or childbirth to happen on this day. I wasn’t so organized as to plan something spectacular for this day, so I’ll mark my calendar and start making plans now for the next year when the same digit month, day, year, hour, minute, and second fall on the same day. I don’t know what that will be, but I do know that chocolate will be involved.

Big 12 - SCORE!

We were raised in Texas where the accents are heavy (Y’all know they are) and football is a religion. So naturally, my brother, sister, and I all support our local NCAA college football teams. My brother and family cheer for the University of Texas Longhorns. My sister goes to the Oklahoma State University Cowboy games. (I am very well versed now in the difference between bright orange and burnt orange.) I root for the Kansas University Jayhawks.
I trash talk text message with my nephews, but I’m no good at it. Last year the best I could come up with was the old line, “bust out the pen and paper – you just got schooled”. I hate to be so harsh. Thank goodness all three teams won their first game of the season – and won big! But I’ve been practicing my trash talk for when we play each other. Topping the insult list is “We’re gonna hit you so hard and so fast and from so many directions that you’re gonna be screamin’, “Y’all stop”."
I'll keep working on it. Ammunition, er, I mean suggestions, welcome.

Texting with my Sister

Sis: On the way to pick up 100 frozen chickens.
Me: Won’t 100 chickens be kinda loud when they thaw?
Sis: They are very quiet. The reception we got was chilly. They gave us the cold shoulder.
Me: Glad they finally warmed up to you. Throw some rice at them and call it dinner. Are they part of the volunteer work you do for the co-op? Or do you have a vitamin deficiency?
Sis: Neither. Long story. I’ll send an email.
Me: If frogs are involved, nevermind.
I still don't know if those birds are alive or not, nor do I know why she feels she needs 100 of them. I'm still waiting for the explanation e-mail, but I gotta say now, that just ain't right.

My Day as a Runner

I’ve been reading up on the couch to 5-K program on the internet and decided I’d start walking, jogging, then running. If I stick with it, maybe I’ll run a marathon in a year or so. Even now, I can feel the glee as I cross the finish line.
Yesterday I actually got outside. I stretched first, then walked, then jogged. I jogged slowly at first, concentrating on my form because I want to look like those people on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine. I figure I’d pick up the speed later. Are we done yet? Is it time to go home? What do you mean I’ve just gone a quarter of a mile?! Tell my lungs that! Tell my knees we’ve still got a long way to go. Tell my heart that it’s got to keep beating – just not out of my chest. And for goodness sakes, pick my uterus up off the ground. It fell out on the last turn.
Why did I think this was a good idea? Maybe I’ll just buy the cute running outfits and sip on chocolate protein drinks instead.

That Just Ain't Right

My twin sister and I were raised in the big city. My sister moved to the farm two and a half years ago. Farm life is hard. When I visit, things happen and I think, “that just ain’t right”, but my sister has come to accept these things as normal. For example, little frogs jump onto the sliding glass door and stay there. They have figured out that at certain times of the day flies will see the glass doors as water and fly into them. The frogs will grab these flies and gobble them up. All they have to do is sit on the door and supper comes to them. That just ain’t right.
Last time I visited she had a list of things she needed help with that we could do together. One thing was for us to go to the hardware store and pick up a utility cart that fits behind the 4-wheeler to haul stuff. We took her pickup truck to the store and they loaded it up for us. When we got home we couldn’t figure out how to get the cart out of the back of the pickup as we had no lift. I can’t go into details, let’s just say we got that cart down onto the ground without having to call for emergency services, even though bruises and scrapes were involved. That just ain’t right.
I went to visit my sister this week. We were driving the truck around the property and came across an old abandoned 15 x 4 metal wire fence panel. It was warped and mangled and needed to be moved to the “trash pile”. There is a hole dug on purpose somewhere on the property and they dump things in the hole that will be eventually buried for eternity. We thought it would be a great idea to move this fence panel to the trash pile. But this panel was three times longer than the truck bed and we didn’t have rope to drag it or tie downs to keep it in the truck. So we put it in the back of the truck sideways so at least 5 feet of fence hung over both sides the truck. We drove only a few feet before the darn thing fell off. So we went to plan B. I crawled up into the bed of the truck and sat on the fence panel. Then it occurred to me that if the wire panel fell off the truck, so would I. My sister and I were laughing so hard as she drove to the trash pile, dodging trees and farm equipment by mere inches. That just ain’t right.

Family Reunion Drama

My 11 year old nephew was playing with his 5 year old cousin. He was joking around and started to fake cry. She thought she hurt his feelings, so she began to cry for real. Outright sob. No amount of reasoning on my nephew’s part, telling her he was all right calmed her. She ran into her mother’s arms to be consoled. My brother just put his head in his hands and shook his head. Then, ever so gently said to my nephew, “Son, let this be a lesson to you… little girls are different than little boys.”
I'd like to add that big girls are different than big boys as well. And when big girls cry, remember to bring the dark chocolate.

I Brake For Chocolate

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Writer’s block, or more likely sheer laziness and apathy on my part. I’ll make stuff up and back date some entries soon to make it look like I never took a break. But good news: attended the family reunion this past weekend in Seattle and had so much fun. I’ll write more about that when I get more time; but for now, I’ll just mention one of my favorite things…
My brother and family bought me a t-shirt while in Seattle that says, “Give me all your chocolate and nobody gets hurt.” Love it!

The Boy

My sister and I are aunts. The nephews flew from Texas to visit my sister in Oklahoma. One nephew stayed for wrestling camp, the other flew with my sister to Kansas to my house. I don’t have animals or 4 wheelers or a pool like my sister has on her ranch. Nothing fun. So I checked out the local water park. I called ahead and rented a cabana since the temp was going to be triple digits. The guy on the phone wanted to know if I wanted to purchase a meal too. I figure his mom and dad would expect me to feed the boy, so I got that too. I went on a couple of rides. My nephew wanted to do more rides, but not wanting to put up with my further screaming in his ear the entire time, he was a trooper to spend most of the day with his aunts in the lazy river or wave pool. Even though it was a fun day for us old aunts, I’m afraid it was pretty lame for him. So I pulled out the universal symbol of happiness and served him chocolate ice cream when we got home.

Background Music

Life should come with a music score. That way you know when the sharks are coming like in Jaws; when good friends will spill out into the yard for a game of football like in The Big Chill; or when Wylie E. Coyote from the Road Runner will be going off the mountain giving you time to get out of the way before he goes splat in front of you. But life doesn’t come with a music score. Instead, surprises await. Thank goodness for chocolate.

Buying Bulk

I bought granola from one of those warehouse stores, but I don't really care for it. It's one of those things that'll go out with the trash this week. I'm standing in the store and all of a sudden it makes perfect sense to spend $15 on a barrel of snack product I'll never eat this year, much less my lifetime, but it goes in my cart and next thing I know I've got to find a place to store it or eat it up. Either of those decisions will make my head implode, so I'm just gonna trash it and pretty soon I'll forget I even bought it until the next time I'm standing in the aisle hankering for a snack food and all I'll remember is that I bought it once before and it disappeared pretty quickly so I must have liked it and another 10 pound package will go into my cart and the madness starts again.

Important Useless Stuff

June. The month for weddings. And with that are the wedding showers. I attended a shower recently. We played the purse game. You get points for the important useless stuff in the bottom of your purse. Hey! I NEED that travel size hand sanitizer. There’s swine flu, bird flu, cough and cold season to worry about. No matter that the lid is covered in caked on lint and dirt and has become the most unsanitary thing in my purse defeating its purpose. And Hey! You never know when you’ll need that mini sewing kit with the needle thread tool that no one knows how to use. Hems can be mended faster and easier with sewing glue or, better yet, fray the ends and it’s a new trendy look – no sewing kit needed. But there it is, in my purse, just in case. And Hey! Someday that $2 bill is gonna be worth something. Maybe just $2. And Hey! Who knows when some dutiful usher will come asking for that movie ticket stub from the show I saw last month. And Hey! I don’t even know why I still carry the library card from a town I haven’t lived in for years and expired grocery coupons. Shrug.
My friend’s son picked up a rock and asked her to keep it for him. It’s been in her purse for days along with an old Beatles 8-track tape. She doesn’t own an 8-track player. She won.

Inconvenient Hassles

Why is it that a storm can come up and then an hour later the sun comes out leaving no trace of the prior storm; except for the hail marks in your now dented car. I hate it when that happens.
When storms come up so suddenly and hostile, I tend to review my relationship with God when the tornado sirens go off. I begin the bargaining process: Take the hideous hand painted lamp from Aunt Lenabell off to see the Wizard, but leave the autographed Troy Aikman poster on the wall.
Then reality sets in and because I have adequate insurance coverage I decide to just grab the photo albums and the chocolate before taking cover.

Volume Boost

Some songs sound best at full volume. One song I love to crank is Seal’s Crazy. How can you listen to that drum riff and not be happy?
There are car tunes I like to listen to while driving also. Head bobbing, bass blasting, dance in your seat tunes that make the time go by faster and make the traffic seem lighter are the best.
I also have these great tunes on my Zune to exercise with. Oops! I said the “e” word. I shall wash my mouth out with chocolate, then turn up the volume.

Heroes In History

Memorial Day. Check.
Wake up early. Check.
Great weather. Check.
Load car with barbecue supplies and lawn chairs. Check.
Sunscreen. Check.
Cub scouts with maps of Veteran tombstones to place small flags. Check.
Parade route spot reserved. Check.
Crete paper in red, white and blue woven through bicycle spokes. Check.
Go ahead, buy your favorite blogger a hot dog.
Or a new wardrobe.
Without the flag motif.

Loving Kali

It’s hard to lose a pet. It’s sad and sometimes you cry. It hurts in your heart. But guess what! The great memories also live in your heart. And they help ease the pain. So, keep remembering. Keep smiling as you remember. All the rest of your life.
“There’s a place inside the heart where love lives always… where nothing beautiful can ever be forgotten.”

Who Done It

I could never write a TV mystery show. I am sure there is a formula, but I am one that never figures out who did it or why. I’m always surprised by the ending. Worse, I don’t ever remember who did it, so when reruns come around, I am still surprised by who done it.
I think my brain only has enough room for remembering my address, the multiplication tables, and that Des Moines has the highest Jell-o consumption per capita in the US. Everything else, like solving a mystery show or remembering which fork to use at a formal dinner party gets pushed out.
I’m told that brain food from the fish or veggie food groups could help, but Cheetos and chocolate are all I have in the house right now. I’d run to the store and get some brain food, but I can’t remember where I put my car keys.

Taking Up Space

That’s OK. Go ahead and laugh. I can take a joke, even on myself. If you read yesterday’s rant you know my tirade was futile. This blogging software automatically takes out the second space after the period at the end of the sentence. Where does it go and why does it do that? Weird.
Another weird thing: A deer ran through the terminal at the airport today. How does that happen? Did he buy a ticket? Did he have to pay extra for no luggage? Did he call ahead and order the veggie meal? Was he charged the seat locator fee? Will Orbitz show up in the hovercraft and refund my airline ticket? Because, clearly, this deer paid less than me.
Tell ya what… give me back the spaces at the end of my sentences and we’ll call it even.

Breaking the Rules

Some things make us crazy. And if they drive us crazy, then they MUST be driving others crazy too, right? I’d like to think I’m not alone in my neurosis.
For example, it makes me nuts when people put one space after the period in a sentence. Two spaces is how I was taught and two spaces is the correct way it’s done. I get that texting and tweeting shortens the available space for communicating, but one should still follow the “two spaces after the period” rule. That’s just common sense. It reads better. It flows better. It gets more allowance and bigger dessert portions of chocolate and other simple carbohydrates.
I'm not a fanatic though. I can handle other writing mistakes like grammer errors, misspelled words, and even dangling participles. And Lord knows I've ended many a sentence with a preposition! I simply have no tolerance for people who use incorrect ending sentence structure. Use the ! or use the ; or even a series of symbols to end the sentence like @%#! Just be sure and use two spaces after. Thanks.

Make It Yourself

Whether it’s cupcakes for the school bake sale, cookies for your sick neighbor, or a casserole for a potluck dinner - you get more credit if you make it yourself. You can try to do the fake out and put it in your grandmother’s dish, but everyone knows you bought it. Instead, watch the Food Network shows that claim kinda homemade or use only a few ingredients. Those shows are a staple for slapping together dishes you are suppose to have made. But don’t watch the last ten minutes of these shows. They try to show you how to set the table to look like Martha Stewart has thrown up in your dining room. My friends don’t expect that. That, or they have learned to live with the disappointment that it ain’t gonna happen from me. It’s all about the food, not the utensils or landscape used in the gorging of the food.
This weekend is the perfect time to practice making a dish yourself. Surprise your mom on Mother’s Day by cracking an egg in a skillet and pouring a glass of OJ. Mom’s are suckers for anything you’ve made yourself. They’ll gush about it, even if most of it is egg shells.

Shopping Cart Whisperer

Be it the big box store or the grocery, I always seem to get the cart with the squeaky wheel or the lopsided handle. Sometimes you can prop the droopy side up while walking through the aisles and the squeak almost goes away. But if you don’t load the cart with enough weight throughout, you must hold up one entire end of the cart while trying to walk normally to avoid the racket. On those days I usually abandon my list, grab whatever is within arm’s reach, and head directly for the checkout lines. I then wheel the cart out to put the groceries in my car, and as soon as I lift my bags out of the cart and am focused on getting them in the trunk, the shopping cart becomes incredibly light and begins to roll and pick up speed across the parking lot. My purse is still in the front of the cart, so I drop my bags (eggs crash to the ground first of course) and take off running in the direction of the unmanned, runaway cart. I inevitably stumble and fall, scraping my hands and knees, and watch as my cart hits the vehicle patiently waiting for my parking space. Depending on how much of a hurry this person is in and how much blood is involved, I either get a sympathetic nod from the driver of this now dented vehicle because they've been in my shoes before too, or I get a hand gesture too vulgar to describe here. Either way, I wish there had been a class on handling such life issues in school.

First, You Get a Hug

I have a friend whose only purpose in life is to love people. She’s good at it. Her mere presence emits love and compassion. She’s exactly the person you want a hug from when you need encouragement.
We are both directionally challenged. We get lost every time we are together, but laugh it off because we always have a story to tell before the ride is over. Detours on unrecognized streets bring us wonderful adventures we’d otherwise not run into. It would drive others insane, but this is how we roll.
My friend was going to go away this weekend for a fun visit with her sister-in-law. Instead, she will go tomorrow because the family was in a car wreck. The sister-in-law has broken bones in her arms and legs. Her husband may not wake up. One daughter died within hours of the accident. There is concern of spinal cord damage with another daughter.
How does one function after such a tragedy? It’s hard not to focus on the sadness and despair of this situation and become immobile. My friend knows that there is nothing she can do or say to change what has happened, but just by being there handing out hugs, she will make it bearable for her sister-in-law.
My friend called me to help her with directions to the hospital in this unfamiliar town. After much frustration with the many zigzag turns of bad directions on my part from an internet site, she phoned the hospital and got the two turns from the highway to the hospital down. My role is to bring humor to my friend - to help break her free of the numbness and incessant thoughts; to give her an outlet for anger; to provide an escape from reality for a moment. So far, thankfully, that has come naturally for me.

Cinco de Mayo

Today is another one of those holidays where folks don’t get off work, but eating with abandon is encouraged. And today features my favorite food group: Mexican! This past weekend there were celebrations in the park for that with food and fun for all ages.
Also in town this past weekend were Bob and Liddy Dole. They come every year to kick off the lecture series at his Institute. She spoke of how since Clara Barton founded the Red Cross, she was the only other woman to head it up. She explained how she took no money for her first year to show her civic responsibility in volunteerism and support of the President. Without missing a beat, Bob Dole said, "I wish you hadn't done that - we could have used the money!" He went on to thank everyone for making him a 6 term senator, "well", he said, "not everyone here voted for me and I'll talk to you in the parking lot after the lecture!" They were delightful together!
And now I’m off in search of margaritas, enchiladas, and chocolate covered pralines. Olé!

No Purple Allowed

My brother has an intimidating appearance; that is, until he smiles and opens his mouth. He’s one of funniest guys I know and all heart. But his shaved head, handlebar mustache, big physique, and just the right look on his face would scare anyone – including teenagers. If they got out of line, he’d give them a stern talking to, then make them dig a hole and fill it in. And they'd do it for fear he'd eat them if they didn't.
My brother and sister-in-law are taking the nephews and other youths on another church mission trip this summer. They are fun chaperones, but the kids know that if they break a rule that they have to answer to my brother – worse than facing their own parents.
At the last planning meeting the “No Purple Allowed” rule was explained. The boys will be sleeping in the blue room. The girls will be sleeping in the red room. There will be no mixing of the people in the blue and red rooms at any time. In other words, no purple allowed.
It’s just one of many of the trip rules, but knowing my brother is on the other end of breaking the rules helps the rest of the parents sleep well at night!

Shopping or Root Canal

I wasn’t born with the shopping gene. Growing up, my mom would tell me in the car on the way to the mall that I needed to buy dress pants so what color did I want? Did I want zipper or button up? Did I want back pockets? Did I want front pleats? I shouldn’t get any that said “dry clean only”. By this time we were at the mall and she’d pull up to the curb and say, “You’ve got 10 minutes to find and try on the pants you just described. GO!” And ten minutes later she’d come in to pay and we’d go home. No window shopping, no people watching, no food court visits.
I adopted this method of shopping when I left home. Now, years later, I cannot shop with others. I don’t understand their meandering, sales searching, or buying bargains for stuff they didn’t need or want before they got there. And they don’t understand how I can purchase an item minutes within walking into the store without looking in six other stores for the same item.
I like my way of shopping. It leaves more time for eating chocolate and other simple carbohydrates.

May Day

May Day! May Day! No crisis or imminent danger today; Just remembrances of May Pole dances in my elementary years. Memories of a school gymnasium full of kids in our Sunday dress, maypoles with colorful ribbons, and ten minute choreography routines we performed for our parents. It was a happy, innocent time, even though there was no cotton candy, no fried food on a stick, no chocolate nor other simple carbohydrates to be found.

Grand Opening

The new Wal-Mart opened today. It’s close by, so I stopped in to check it out. I didn’t know there was a Wal-Mart cheer, but the manager was leading the crew in it when I got there. There was a ribbon cutting and a children’s choir. If there is a Wal-Mart song, I missed it.
This Wal-Mart has been in the works since 2002. Opposition from neighbors and city council refusing building permits brought lengthy law suits, which finally got sorted out last year.
This is the second Wal-Mart in town. It’s smaller than the other store, but seems to have all the departments. As I walked the aisles, no less than six employees asked if they could help me find something. Great customer service. However, four of the five items on my list are not carried by this store. Tomorrow I shall drive past this new, shiny store and stop at the one across town that carries the things I cannot live without. And while I’m there I shall put my favorite chocolate candy bar or other simple carbohydrate on lay-away.

Cookies and Collarbones

My nephew cracked his collarbone in three places playing basketball. I shall call him Z-man from now on. His mom sent me pictures of his various visitors in the hospital. There was the cookie monster with him in his room, his basketball team all suited up, and his girlfriend. I'm not sure who his favorite visitor was, but at thirteen years of age, I'm guessing it wasn't the one who brought the chocolate and simple carbohydrate dessert sweets. Be well kiddo!

A Handful of Nuts

My sister and sister-in-law encouraged me to start a blog. The pressure and responsibility now to write something meaningful and useful to readers made me postpone beginning this blog. But, I figure if other folks can Twitter about their every thought and action, then my blogs can be a set of useless ramblings on a variety of topics that readers can ignore at will. No more pressure.
My sister-in-law told the story of how her mom had the grandsons over and she went to the pantry for a snack of mixed nuts and asked the oldest if he wanted a handful of nuts. Without missing a beat he replied, "No thanks Grandma, I have my own nuts and can grab a handful whenever I want."
These zany people - my sister, my brother, his wife, their two boys, their friends and family, and my friends too - all make me laugh out loud with a snort at the end; and while I don't have their quick wit, I want my blog to be somewhat entertaining. Thanks in advance to these folks for my inspiration and allowing me to retell their life events from my warped perspective.
I asked my sisters what to name my blog and immediately Cindy's Nuts came to mind. I love the many meanings - Cindy is nuts; the folks in Cindy's life are nuts; Cindy loves chowing down on nuts covered in chocolate or other simple carbohydrates; or the more likely scenario that I could grow a pair and play with a handful whenever I want.